[G]od [O]nly [L]oves [F]ools

1. Favourite Iron – Nine or seven. Big fan thus far.

2. Favourite Wood – I’ve only ever used the Spaldings in my bag, and I’d call my 3-wood my favourite of the two.

3. Favourite Hybrid – Half-human, half-alien Natasha Henstridge in that “Species” movie! Also my Nickent 3DX Ironwood.

4. Favourite Ball – Also left. Otherwise something soft.

5. Favourite Course – I guess probably Seaton, but that’s mostly because I’m comfortable there. I truly enjoy the Upper Course at Parkview more than the Valley, but I’m the only one who does.

6. Worst game ever – Well, that would be my first game ever, four years ago. I hit a 134. Cough.

7. Best round ever – 90, at Parkview. I was the inaugural winner of the Valleywoods Cup with that one.

8. Best putt – Motherfucking Kevin, standing on the edge of the motherfucking green with his motherfucking Crackbery in his hand, sinks a twelve-footer with one hand while gabbing on the phone. The fucker then just smiles, winks and turns away to finish his conversation. I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

9. Longest Drive – I once drove from Florida to Toronto and only stopped to sleep once. My mother was in the car. I still wake up screaming. Also, I’ve never measured, but I’m not long off the tee.

10. Most humiliating moment – I threw my club in anger once, almost killing Dennis. Never again. I had no business being there if that’s what I was going to do.

11. Have you ever dated a cart girl? – No, but have made up inappropriate songs about them to the tune of “When I Was Seventeen”.

12. Have you ever hit anyone with an errant shot? – No. Carl, however, has drilled me with an errant chip off the green right in the face.

13. Why do you play golf? – I really enjoy it. I need the exercise, I like the comraderie, it’s a good “business sport”… and I like nature, when it comes in small doses. I also play to get better.

14. Why don’t you play golf? – I don’t play for money either.

15. Dream foursome – Myself and Boom-Boom with Freddie Couples and Morgan Pressel. Kevin gets to hang with his namesake, and I make up inappropriate songs about Morgan to the tune of “When I Was Seventeen”. [Actually, I'd probably want to play with David Leadbetter strictly for the tips or Ernie Els for the same reason... but not if I had to make up songs about them].

16. Golfer you most like to watch – I really love watching Annika’s swing. I love watching guys like Couples and Furyk bang it out, and guys like Darren Clarke when I get the chance. I think my swing is more like Ernie Els, though, if you can swallow what I mean in that laughable statement, so I watch him closely.

17. There’s a naked Kim Possible? No, there isn’t. Well there is, but it’s cheaply made, and there’s too much nude Ron Stoppable in it, and… I’ve said too much.

18. What you would give up to play a round at a top ranked PGA course – I don’t know. Probably not that much. I’m just not ready for that yet.

19. Do you practise? – Wednesday nights; sometimes Saturdays.

20. If you were to be a Pro golfer, who would you want to play like, and don’t say TW. – Oddly enough, probably Daly – long off the tee and soft-handed around the greens. A second choice is Ernie Els, hands down.

21. Can Tiger surpass Byron’s 11 consecutive wins? – I suspect not, but after the Buick today, God knows.

So, you must have seen these, or have gotten these annoying things in your email that asks you to answer what seems like an insurmountable number of questions derived solely to either make a pure liar out of you, or to humiliate in front of the masses. Well, thinking caps on folks, because I have created one, with the help of my pally BC, one for the golfer/duffer/hacker/weekend warrior in all of us.

These are not meant to humiliate you, well, just a little, but moreso, they were designed to have some fun with, and to see who can or will come up with the most outlandish ‘true’ (name and address withheld by request) stories from the links.

So, without further adieu, so as not to be put ‘on the clock’ as it were…FORE!!!

1. Favourite Iron -I really like my Betty Crocker steam iron, but for golf, I’m thinking my six or seven.

2. Favourite Wood – Mine is pine. Again, for golf, I have to go with my Taylor Made V-Steel 15 degree 3 wood. I just bought the Sasquatch 3, but haven’t hit it on a course yet.

3. Favourite Hybrid – Have to say my Purefit 25 degree Escape. Don’t really like the Prius, truth be known.

4. Favourite Ball – Left.

5. Favourite Course – No, it’s not Seaton. Of all the courses I have ever played, I have 3 favs. In Canada, I would have to say Silver Lakes. In the US, toss-up between Pinehurst #2, and Shaker Run, and in the rest of the world, the Monty in Dubai and Blue Canyon in Phuket. Yes, I know, that is more than 3, but hey, top 3 and ties.

6. Worst game ever – God, so many to choose from. Probably the 97 I took during a tourney in Bahrain at Riffa. I sucked so bad that day that I thought I would quit.

7. Best round ever – God, so few to choose from. I would have to say the 74 I shot at Riffa with my teacher Scott and the Director of Golf, Michael Braidwood. That was back in the days when I was playing a 7degree Taylor Made SuperSteel driver.

8. Best putt – I will let BC tell you about this one. He was there.

9. Longest Drive – Toronto to Kitchener with my mother in law after being up and travelling for 44 hours.

10. Most humiliating moment – A severly yanked 3 wood off the tee on the Valley course at Parkview when I nearly killed not only BC, but Dennis and Amir too.

11. Have you ever dated a cart girl? – Yes. I will leave it at that.

12. Have you ever hit anyone with an errant shot? – Yes. I drifted a drive right a tad on my father’s course in Kentucky and it bounced off the cart path and hit a lady in the stomach.

13. Why do you play golf? – Not at all sure really. In the old days I thought it was cool, now, I play it now because I am not diving as much and I need a place to re-assemble my brain at times.

14. Why don’t you play golf? – I don’t play golf for the money. Wish I did, but I don’t. Although, I have 6 years to the Senior tour. Do I hear a reality show in the offing?

15. Dream foursome – 2 of them really. Freddie of course, Bobby Jones and Lee Trevino. The second one, Freddie again, my Dad and Gary Player. Freddie for my benefit, and GP so that my Dad has someone his age to talk to.

16. Golfer you most like to watch – I like to watch Fred Couples, but also love to watch Annika and Lorena Ochoa.

17. There’s a naked Kim Possible? – Really?

18. What you would give up to play a round at a top ranked PGA course – My debt.

19. Do you practise? – Not nearly enough. I don’t have the time that I used to, but when I do, I really strive to make it worthwhile time spent.

20. If you were to be a Pro golfer, who would you want to play like, and don’t say TW. – I would love to have Freddie’s tempo, John Daly’s soft hands around the greens, and Fred Funk’s accuracy, and Brad Faxon’s putting ability.